Sunday, January 2, 2011

Loving the Imperfect Side of Me: A New Year's Resolution.

For the past 5 years, I've always believed in the wrong notion of beauty. And for that 5 years, I've been so eager to undergo plastic surgery because I wanted to look perfectly handsome and the people around me can attest to that.

I've always been desiring for a chiseled-like nose, a lean lips, a model-like body, a tall height, a luminous skin, and a Hollywood actor-like smile because mine contradicts the notion of beauty I've believed in. Until I found out (from self-diagnosing myself and doing a little research) that I was suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (or BDD).

BDD is an excessive preoccupation with a real or imagined defect in one's physical appearance. Frequently, the affected person feels ugly or disfigured when all she's worried about is a blemish or a crooked smile. The problem is the negative thinking about a perceived physical defect.
--Manila Bulletin (Aug. 10, 2008)

It's hard to be in this condition because it always gives me depression whenever I see tall and good-looking people. It just makes me want to kill myself for being vertically and aesthetically challenged.

We may not notice it, but it is the nature of people to compare a lot (and to be mean). At first glance, people will judge you of how you look. If you don't pass to their standard of beauty, you won't exist in their world. Or if they think that you are really hideous-looking, they will perceive you as a nightmare in their "so perfect world" despite of how good, intelligent, and kind you are. Life is really harsh, isn't it? Especially for those who are, unfortunately, ugly. Am I right or am I definitely right?

I've had this so called "spotlight effect" ever since I discovered people being so judgemental when it comes to a person's appearance. I've always been so conscious of how I look like--is my hair in place, is my face oily, is my posture okay, do I wear the right clothes, do I look pleasant, and many things. Whenever I'm in school or any public place, I always feel like there could be one of them watching me and judging my appearance, then I'd think "What could she/he be thinking about me?" And eventually, I get paranoid.

Living like that is like making your own life a living hell. Many times I felt so depressed, angry, and frustrated of how I look. Sometimes I even question God--why am I not tall, why am I ugly, and all that. Until I just woke up one day after hearing an inspirational quote from a supermodel turned host, Tyra Banks:

"Perfect is Boring. Human is Beautiful."

Tyra Banks without make-up, yet her beauty emanates from inside.

Those words reverberated not only in my mind, but also in my heart and soul. It is simple, yet meaningful. It made me realize that Hey! I'm no commodity, I'm no mannequin, I'm a human. Tyra definitely inspired me through her words, and her commitment and determination in changing the perspective and the meaning of "Human being Beautiful." I'm definitely supporting such advocacy.

Because of that, I now feel uniquely handsome. I started to be confident of how I look like. I became happier. I became more optimistic and started appreciating the bright-side of this world. And most importantly, I'm now proud to say I'm perfectly imperfect, and I'm definitely a beautiful creation of God--a Human.

I know that many people understands and can relate with my experiences because it is a world-wide phenomenon, and I can definitely attest to that. But come to think of it, it seems that we are trying to live in their world, where we always try to fit in. Why not shift our mindset and let's live in a world of our own? Let's recreate a new notion of beauty, and make our imperfection a perfect one. Let's be proud of what we are and be the real epitome of beauty.

So what if they say that I have a big head, big nose, pouty lips, and short? It what makes me unique. It what makes me a "Carl Ernest Ruiz" of my family and friends.

Now that's my New Year's Resolution--loving the imperfect side of me. And I'm proud to say that I'm changing--changing for the betterment of myself.


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