Turning NINETEEN.

Yes. I'm turning 19 years old this 20th of September, 2010.

I'm not really sure if I feel happy or even excited because I'm the kind of person who doesn't appreciate his own birthday (well somehow). But hey, I do appreciate those people around me who greets me "Happy Birthday!" and some even give gifts on my "special" day (riiight!).

Every year, I know it's normal for people to add one year of their lives through their birthdays, but in my case, it somehow gives me a bit of depression because I do think that being a year older means being more responsible in my every action. I can't be a kid anymore (and it breaks my heart!). LOL!

As my birthday approaches, every birthday of mine starts to flashback (like it'll be my last day on earth. LOL!), and I can't believe how time flew so fast. I can't believe that I'm in a state where I have to embrace the world of adults! Being a birthday boy way back, I remember my parents throwing me a small party at home, which I did look forward to. I remember my friends getting all dressed up and visiting my kiddie party, completed with kiddie tables and chairs, balloons, gifts, games, and food of course! Being a kid, I always felt really excited on celebrating my birthday, but as I grow up, I come to a realization that it may not be fun anymore. LOL!

(This was my 2nd birthday. I know I look like a girl,
but believe me, it's me. LOL!)


(This was my 5th birthday. See how big my smile was!--FAKE! LOL!)

You know what bothers me?

The fact that I'll look older. When you're old, people will expect something big, something grand, and something big (again) from you! They will expect you to act your age, to become more mature, even if you don't feel it! And also, you get to develop zits, wrinkles, eye bags, and all those imperfections you acquire as a growing person--PARANOID! (SIGH!)

Oh well, in two days, I'll be a year older. It is inevitable, and I just have to learn to accept it. By the way, don't get me wrong people. I'm not against of being old (it's kind of abnormal and insane, I know!), I'm just being sentimental for the fact that I'm turning 19!!! Sure I'm gonna miss my childhood to teenage days.

After this year, I'll be 20! (YIKES!) It only means that I really am not a kid anymore--that I have to act professional and be more serious. Being in that age range for me, means to struggle hard--get a job, earn lotsa' money, be stable, and start a family?! (GULP! 0_o)

SIGH. Happy Birthday to me! (or is it a happy one?) LOL!

Why can't I think of anything to write?

You'd probably think that my title above is weird, or you'd probably say "What the?!?" upon reading it. But yes, I really can't think of anything to write! I actually promised myself that I will publish my blog weekly, and suddenly, here I am, can't think of anything to write... staring at my monitor, typing anything that pops out of my mind, without really thinking of an interesting topic to blog.

Now I feel like a nonsense person trying to say what's on my mind! (Facebook cliche, eh?) Funny isn't it? But the truth is, my mind's like manipulating every fingers of my hands, both from left and right. At this very moment, I imagine Plankton being in my brain and trying to control what my mind should think, like 'write everything what's on my mind now.' (I think I'm just seeing a lot of Spongebob on TV! LOL!)

Now what?

Believe me, I just stopped for a minute because I really don't know what to write!!! I know that I'm a potential writer, but what's happening to me?!? Where's my creativity?! My ideas?! Goodness gracious!!! Am I starting to rust? (PARANOID!!!)

Oh well, I think I'm just not in my real state of self today. And as a matter of fact, I have a friggin' colds, which makes me drowsy every now and then, and not concentrate on the things that I should be doing like reading The Lying Tongue by Andrew Wilson (It's really a good book! Trust me.)

Now I suddenly thought of a possible answer of my current dilemma--Preliminary Exam Exhaustion!!! We just ended up our prelims exam last Friday, and I think my brain is still ripped off from over-studying (or did I really over-studied?! LOL!). And until now, it hasn't recuperated from that extortion. But what can I do? I'm oblige to ace those exams that's why I need to burn the midnight oil! Oh well, the damage has been done, and I can't do anything about it! LOL!

Now I feel like a person lost his sanity as I write these sentiments of mine. LOL! Now my message to my blog site would be: "I'm having a complicated situation now dealing with my brain dysfunction, but I'll get back to you!" (Very tour guide! LOL!)

Ironically, I've come up with a blog content from my dysfunctional brain!!! Woohoo!!! (Riiight! -_-)

(...and what's with all the "LOL's?!?" It's too many! Oh well... How weird of me noticing that! ^o^)

The mysticism of Mhay's Shoes

I never realized how a pair of shoes would affect my psychological make-up the entire day.

It happened a week ago when I attended a seminar for journalism (where we met F. Sionil as I've mentioned in my previous blog). Last Saturday, under the not-so-burning heat of the morning sun, all CJ's (that's how CTHM Journal members are addressed) were waiting for everybody to come. I actually came the last minute, as well as my friend/classmate/CJ-mate, Ms. Charmaine Orejola, Mhay for short (but she's waaay late than me. LOL!). Until she arrived with her Korean-looking attire, matching her innocent look and modest gestures. But wait... There is something wrong with her attire, (...browsing...) it's her SHOES!!! Look, I'm not really into minding others' style, it's just that her shoes is making me lose my sanity because I think it's kind off... different? Take a look:

Other people may perceive this pair of shoes as normal as the other shoes, or others might not even mind it at all, but not me. I consider myself having a so-called "Obsessive Compulsive Behavior" (not Disorder because I'm still normal, right?). Going on... Apparently, it affected my psychological make-up that whole day. It may be weird, but I really can't help myself minding it every time I get a glimpse of it. If you just saw me that day, I was starring at it and really focusing to it with my straight face like a totally crazy person.

I asked her "Anong trip mo?!" (What's with you?!), then she told me that she have two pairs of that same style of shoes but different in color, and she wanted to experiment on how people would react to it if she'll wear both colors (isn't it Mhay?). And I believe I reacted too much to the extent that my eyes are utterly glued to it (I just can't help it! LOL!), and I'd say she succeeded in her experiment (especially to me! O_o).

Oh well, the power of her shoes to distort people's mind is still a mystery for me (or is it?). LOL!

By the way, this blog is dedicated to Charmaine Orejola (Mhay) because she wanted exposure?!? Just kidding! LOL! V(^o^)V

Learning from F. Sionil Jose, a National Artist for Literature

I am now a full-pledge feature writer of the CTHM Journal. (^o^)\m/

Yesterday, I attended a conference/workshop regarding us, being a writer in our respective colleges. There were lots of interesting speakers, and one of them is my favorite--Francisco Sionil-Jose, a National Artist for Literature, and a proud Thomasian.

(I apologize for the not-so-professional shot. It's only
from a 3.15 MP camera phone. Zoomed in.)

F. Sionil was the one who wrote "The God Stealer" (a story about an Igorot named Philip Latak who stole their God), which was once our reading assignment in Literature class. He was actually the former teacher of my Literature professor (Sir Timothy Sanchez), and I find it really cool that I met him. At first, I never thought that the big ol' man sitting in the stage was actually him because he wore simple clothes and a "writer's cap." He's really old that he addressed himself as an "octogenarian." And that surprised me because he still manages to engage in this kind of activity despite of being 80+ years old. Judging by his face, I'd say he's a pro because he has these big eye bags, meaning, he writes a lot for the past decades! For his age, he is still perky and he connects with us, which makes him really likable. He shared to us his adventures. Unbelievably, he had traveled in every part of the globe like (if my memory serves me right) Brazil, Japan, Tibet, Russia, the whole Philippines, and lots more. He also shared to us his achievements like receiving numerous awards.

According to F. Sionil, writers are not rich. And jokingly, he said to us that "if you want to be a writer, find a rich husband/wife first!" Being a writer means you have to be dedicated to what you are doing despite the hindrances that may occur. It's actually a serious job. He even told a student not to dream of becoming a writer if he's not wealthy. He also said to us that he is thankful for having an understanding family because of the career he has chosen. He wasn't even a good provider to his family (but his wife! LOL!). But after a masterpiece has been created, it is the time you come to realize that it is indeed a fulfilling career. It's the passion that drives you to achieve your goals no matter how hard it is.

He shared to us his experience of being a writer who travels. When he was in riding a train in Shinjuku, he was crying. Crying because according to him, he knows that his heart is lost in Shinjuku. It was actually in the epilogue of his novel entitled "Ermita." He read to us part of it, and it was really touching.

When he ended his talk, we were so fortunate to have a picture taken with Mr. Francisco Sionil-Jose. It was an honor for me to be able to listen to his talk.

(When he was presented a plaque of appreciation)

A Sudden Realization

I do believe that in every goodness of a person, there is something bad or evil in him. Seriously, we are bad in nature and that's A FACT even if you deny it. At first, I was in denial, but there came a point which I learned to embrace those flaws, those failures--I just had a sudden realization.

This week is what I consider as my "conscientious week" or "the week of enlightenment" because of the realizations that I just had.

FIRST REALIZATION

For the past couple of years, I lived with the notion that I looked really ugly because of the celebrities I see in TV. They had actually emphasized my flaws, which made me more insecure of the beautiful people I encounter everyday. That's why I started questioning myself, why don't I have that chiseled nose, perfectly white teeth, and a nice lean lips? WHY OH WHY?! I know I've been watching too much TV which made me conceptualize the idea of hyperreality in my mind. Because of that influence, my mindset was like "I will definitely undergo plastic surgery in the future because I want to have a perfect looking face just like the people I see in TV." I've been telling it to my friends, however they always contradict that belief of mine.

I've been making a study of how it is done--if it hurts, fatal, or whatsoever. I've been inspiring myself of the many Korean celebrities who undergo plastic surgery in order to look perfect in the eyes of the society. I even thought of having it done in Korea so I'd look like one of them. I've been so obsessed of how I really wanted to look like.

One Monday dusk, I tried looking in the mirror and talked to myself of things that I really wanted to happen. I tried asking myself, "why do you always compare yourself to others?" I tried assessing myself by negating my present belief. And from that question, I started realizing that I'm such a low life creep. I told myself, "why not challenge yourself and prove that success doesn't depend on how people looks like," right? It's like looking into the bright side.

Come to think of it, instead of comparing myself to others, why not appreciate what my capabilities are, and the things that I have that others don't? It's just like reversing my perspective. I may not be physically favorable in the industry that I chose, but I do know for sure that my personality, wit, and enthusiasm would definitely compensate that flaw (if it is considered as one). And from that realization, I started appreciating what I have and accepted what the reality wants for me.

SECOND REALIZATION

I've been a blabbermouth. I've been talking too much that could offend the people around me. I thought of that because of an incident which happened yesterday (Friday) on my way back home. And I felt really guilty.

I always go home together with a friend. And we always talk of things--sensible, nonsense, hilarious, and anything under the sun. I do the talking and blabbing most of the time, and sometimes, my mouth was like a vehicle with no brakes--UNCONTROLLABLE. Some people may praise me for that, but some also are annoyed and even offended. The thing is, whenever I start to talk, it flows spontaneously to the extent that it's hard for me to stop. It's inevitable! Anyway, why am I digressing to my story?!

...So on my way home, my friend and I rode a jeepney, and all of a sudden, this old lady with injured arm boarded in the jeepney. She reached paid her fare saying "Manong bayad ho, Buendia lang" She actually pronounced the "Buendia" as "Bwen-ja," which, of course, got my attention, and started to give comment to my friend like the lady wasn't there. I told my friend, "why are some people mispronouncing 'Buendia?' Can't they pronounce it as 'Buwen-dee-yah?'" I didn't realize that the lade heard me. The old lady told me "Sorry ha. 'Buwen-dee-yah!'" and I quickly told the lady, "No. I was actually pertaining to her (my friend) father." Like what the heck?! What a lame excuse for a very obvious situation.

Honestly I felt really guilty. That incident made me realize of how insensitive I am to my surrounding, and that talking about or pointing out people's little mistakes is no good. And that "controlling one's self" should be my new virtue (Whaaat??!).

ME AND MY BIG (literally? LOL!) & STUPID MOUTH!!! The next time I'll talk (or should I say blab) again, I'll just say to myself: "Shut Up, Carl! And zip your lips!" >:-O